Liz Tells Frank What Happened on BONES

My friend Frank doesn't watch BONES. I do. So I tell him what happens. At least, the parts worth telling.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

The Girl In The Fridge

Dear Frank,

There's no new BONES tonight, which is part of why I haven't told you what happened last week. But really, it's simple enough. Lesser Deschanel's ex-professor, who is also her LOV-AH, comes to town to interview for a job doing kinda what she does, but for a different fake institution. They bone.

(Sorry.)

In the afterglow, Deschanel's all, oooh, look how much smarter I am than you and how quickly I've figured out about what happened to this dead girl found in a refrigerator. And Naughty Professor says, well, don't rush to conclusions and she says, dude, that's my job. She shows off her toys, and he's real impressed with the holodeck, but then he's like, dude, those people Beau just arrested for killing Deep Freeze Dudette? Well, their lawyer just hired me to testify against your findings, which I've gained tremendous understanding of due to your post-sex blabby-mouth.

Whoops!

So we get all LAW AND ORDER on this shit and go to court, which seems to be an excuse for EVERYONE to tell Deschanel that she's a robot and no one likes her, unlike hottie Naughty Professor, who plays well to juries, especially when he's makes fun of Deschanel for knowing big words and being a robot.

So Beau tells Hot Prosecutor Guy about Deschanel's Tragic Past, and Hot Prosecutor Guy brings it up on the stand, and being smacked in the face with her Tragic Past in a public setting gets Deschanel to reveal her soft chewy center to the jury. Everyone wins, except Deschanel's vagina (which will be empty of Naughty Professor from now on) and Beau's chance of taking up the slack there, as Deschanel is PISSED at him.

But then Beau takes her on a hot date crime scene examination on what's supposed to be the scaffolding surrounding the Washington Monument. And then they pull back to reveal an entirely digitally rendered Washington skyline, and it's seriously the worst CGI I've ever seen, and I saw A SOUND OF THUNDER. It BURNS. But Beau and Bones are talking again, so I guess bad CGI heals all wounds. Except the wounds in my EYES.

"When I Was A Sniper" update: WE GOT NOTHING. I think. Maybe it came up when Beau was on the stand? The jury liked him a lot, though. So I don't think they knew about all those people he killed.

We do, though. We know.

Love,
Liz

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