Tuesday, May 21, 2002 Went out and had a milkshake tonight with a friend. He kept talking about war, about nuclear bombs, about Isreal. He kinda scared me, in the end. I don't want to live in this place, sometimes. I want to be somewhere safe, away from the madness. But this madness is part of life. That's what I have to deal with, in the end. I suppose the question is - what is it I really value? Is my safety that important, really? If I hide inside my room all the time and never go outside and never get hurt and never feel any pain, is that a way to live? The men in The Right Stuff... It's an ego trip and puffed up nationalism, in part, but there's also a part of them that just isn't afraid to strap themselves to a rocket and get blasted into space, possibly to die. I've been afraid to die for so long. Sheltered little suburban girl, feeling trembly at the thought of being alone in the big city. But I guess that I'm not really living, though. And I was driving home, thinking about the things I value, and how little some of them matter in the face of all the big stuff. It's cause for thought, certainly. All of it. What do I want to get out of life? What do I want to do with it? I'm 21 years old. I feel so old. I feel like I have all these decisions to make, all of this time looming ahead, and it's like I've gotten taller or something, because the view's gotten clearer. I think about the valleys and peaks of my future - undefined, but existant - and I don't know what they hold in store. What any of it means. So. Yeah. In other news, I felt kinda cheated by tonight's Angel. This makes three finales in a row (Ed and X-Files preceded) to leave things completely unresolved. Hopefully, Buffy'll break the cycle. And it turns out that boys love geek girls! At least, if the Onion personals are anything to go by. Always encouraging news. Not that things have to end on an up note or anything. But it does help, in the end. | permalink blog • archives • photos • about • contact This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License. All content © 2004.