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Tuesday, August 13, 2002

Gone quiet

That's the term, I believe, for when submarines go out of contact. It feels like my mind's gone quiet, submerged into a inky black abyss known as...


I've lost the ability to think critically, I think. Certainly the ability to write about interesting things. I meant for this blog to be interesting, I really did, but recently all I seem capable of doing is... hanging out. And it sucks, and I'm sick of it, and I want to start doing things again.

Perhaps I'm exaggerating. I'm writing, at least, a bit every day, and it's not a lot, but I feel all right with what's being produced. And hopefully school won't swallow me alive - because while this summer has been largely one of sloth, I feel like I've learned important things along the way - how nice a long walk, eating fresh veggies on my balcony, sitting and laughing with friends can really be.

Writing out problems - not being afraid to face them. Trying new things - yoga and Arizona and working as a PA and going places by myself. Taking trips for the sake of taking them. Enjoying the moment.

It hasn't been a bed of roses, but it has been nice at times. And I'm sitting here at home, my laundry cooling in the dryer, and I feel content.

I cleaned out my closet yesterday, putting things in order, digging through relics of my past. (And, holy Christ, what a geek I used to be. *g*) Found a note that a teacher had written me a long time ago: You are an amazing thinker... Your style is so focused...

I forget too often that people thought the high school me could write, and write well. Always felt like second best, and it gnawed at me, and even today, I'm never confident in my abilities, especially when measured up to my peers. But every once in a while, I have to remember, I am judged simply as the person I am, and heralded for it.

It's good to remember that. It's good to remember the praise, for once. It makes it easier to stop being quiet. To speak up.

I'll try and write more often - not over the next couple of days, because I'll be at Area 2 and visiting my grandmother and will probably be quite busy. But after then, a semester full of possibilites arise.

And I'll try not to screw any of them up. *g*

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