Sunday, March 02, 2003 From the recipe drawer: Chef Liz's Tempting Teriyaki Stir-Fry: Preparation time: 30 minutes. Serves 1. Ingredients: 1 bag of pre-cut, pre-washed vegetables 1 almost entirely empty bottle of olive oil 1 slightly less empty bottle of teriyaki sauce Box of spaghetti More-than-a-pinch of cumin seeds (preferably left over from long-ago cooking experiment, thus stinking of previous failure). Lots of salt 1 stereo with poor reception 1 kitchen lacking a smoke detector One copy of the New Kitchen Science Pudding Instructions: Remove bag of veggies from refrigerator. Read complicated recipe for stir-fry on back of package, involving ingredients like corn starch. Decide to wing it. Begin boiling water in your only pot and heating a scant amount of olive oil in your only skillet. Drop some cumin seeds into the skillet "for flavor." Get bored with the quiet and go find a radio station on your stereo appropriate for cooking. Flip past alt-rock, pop, old pop, new pop, and dancy pop until arriving at the dance music station. Fiddle with antenna until reception is coming in a little better. Once static fades, realize that sizzling noise is actually coming from kitchen. Rush to discover that oil has moved from liquid to steam form. Cumin seeds charred beyond recognition. Make best of situation -- reduce heat and add more oil. Add vegetables and begin stirring. Try not to worry about skillet's new resemblance to Third Circle of Hell. Reduce heat some more. Realize that all oil has now evaporated under Satan's power. Discover that there are only a few drops left of your olive oil. Put olive oil bottle back in cupboard. Add teriyaki sauce to skillet and spaghetti to now vibrating pot of water. Notice that teriyaki sauce has gone the way of the olive oil. Add more teriyaki sauce to skillet. Test the broccoli in order to see how cooked it is. Don't be concerned about that raw texture! Test broccoli again. Test broccoli one more time. Decide that enough is enough, and that as soon as the spaghetti's done, you'll take the skillet off the stove and just slap it all together. Raw vegetables are good for cellulite, after all. Teriyaki sauce solves all problems. Wait for spaghetti to finish cooking. Toss test strand of spaghetti against wall. Watch it bounce off wall and into the waiting arms of a cockroach. Kill cockroach. Wait for spaghetti to finish cooking. Al dente spaghetti -- the way the Italians like it! Combine with steaming vegetables before they spontaneously combust. Add more teriyaki sauce. Set table for 1. Start eating your tasty creation! Add salt. Finish eating your tasty creation! Pick charred cumin seed out of teeth. Time for dessert! Prepare instant pudding according to directions on package. Place in refrigerator to chill. While waiting for pudding, start flipping through the New Kitchen Science. Dream of a nice big kitchen with soft wood cutting boards and multi-ply-bottomed pots and high-carbon stainless steel knives. Just like the real chefs have! And now, to finish the screenplay! What's this one about, you ask? Well, uh.... Chefs. | permalink blog • archives • photos • about • contact This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License. All content © 2004.