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Tuesday, January 06, 2004

MOBY DICK is showing up on a lot of peoples' to-be-read lists. I have read MOBY DICK. I have enjoyed MOBY DICK. So I provide you with Liz's Handy Guide for the Enjoyment of MOBY DICK:
  1. Watch and enjoy one of the following: Star Trek: First Contact, Jaws, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, Finding Nemo, or the third-season X-Files episode "Quagmire." Weary of not getting the jokes.
  2. Try to get a floppy paperback copy with thin pages. There are many short chapters to this book, meaning that it's perfect dead-time reading, and you'll look tres intelligent while waiting to see Barbershop 2.
  3. Eventually, start reading. Be sure to note the dedication to Nathanial Hawthorne, because...
  4. Around chapter three, start playing Look for the Gay Subtext. This is a very easy game. It gets even easier once Queequeg and Ishmael start cuddling at night.
  5. Soon, you will find yourself enjoying the high-seas adventure. But beware! Many dangers lurk. About halfway through, there be monsters known as Melville on Cetology. You do not need to read the chapters on cetology. No one needs to read the chapters on cetology. Few ever have. And you know why? Nothing happens. NOTHING HAPPENS. Skip 'em and move on.
  6. Like everything presumed boring in life, MOBY DICK is actually pretty funny. Write down your favorite quotes, because later you can quote them in a very cool fashion. And face it -- if you've finished MOBY DICK, you're cool indeed.
  7. In moments of despair, remember how cool Patrick Stewart is. Remember And he piled upon the whale's white hump, the sum of all the rage and hate felt by his whole race. If his chest had been a cannon, he would have shot his heart upon it. That part doesn't come until the end. And it's pretty cool. So, you know, keep reading.
  8. When you finish, go to your local used bookstore and trade in your paperback copy for a cool looking hardback that'll look great on your shelves.

    You've earned it.

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