the beat
bookslut blog
dude. man. phat.
jane espenson
josh friedman
neil gaiman
tim goodman
molly ivins
listen, lady...
lj friends
mastodon city
pc petri dish
theo's gift
warm your thoughts
wil wheaton

los angeles
web design

ostrich ink

John Bowe (ed):
Gig: Americans Talk About Their Jobs
Gail Simone:
Birds of Prey
Sarah Vowell:
Take the Cannoli
Howard Zinn:
People's History of the U.S.


The Daily Show
Prison Break
The Office (US)
Kitchen Confidential
Veronica Mars

powered by:
comments by:

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Liz tells Frank what happened on BONES: Week 4

The below is cross-posted from a thread on my friendly local message board, in which I (Liz) tell my friend Frank (Frank) what happens during each new episode of BONES. This is the fourth I've written, and because, perhaps, Frank is not the only one who does not watch this MARVELOUS show, I'll try posting them wider and see what people think. If there's interest, I can even post previous installments. I'm talented like that.

What to know: The show stars Zooey Deschanel's older sister Emily (thus, the Lesser Deschanel) and David Boreanez, who is haunted because, and I quote: "You know, being a sniper, I took a lot of lives. What I'd like to do before I'm done is try and catch at least that many murderers." This bit of backstory is brought up almost every single week.

And like the rest of the show, it is a delight.

Dear Frank,

There's no new BONES tonight, which is part of why I haven't told you what happened last week. But really, it's simple enough. Lesser Deschanel's ex-professor, who is also her LOV-AH, comes to town to interview for a job doing kinda what she does, but for a different fake institution. They bone.


In the afterglow, Deschanel's all, oooh, look how much smarter I am than you and how quickly I've figured out about what happened to this dead girl found in a refrigerator. And Naughty Professor says, well, don't rush to conclusions and she says, dude, that's my job. She shows off her toys, and he's real impressed with the holodeck, but then he's like, dude, those people Beau just arrested for killing Deep Freeze Dudette? Well, their lawyer just hired me to testify against your findings, which I've gained tremendous understanding of due to your post-sex blabby-mouth.


So we get all LAW AND ORDER on this shit and go to court, which seems to be an excuse for EVERYONE to tell Deschanel that she's a robot and no one likes her, unlike hottie Naughty Professor, who plays well to juries, especially when he's makes fun of Deschanel for knowing big words and being a robot.

So Beau tells Hot Prosecutor Guy about Deschanel's Tragic Past, and Hot Prosecutor Guy brings it up on the stand, and being smacked in the face with her Tragic Past in a public setting gets Deschanel to reveal her soft chewy center to the jury. Everyone wins, except Deschanel's vagina (which will be empty of Naughty Professor from now on) and Beau's chance of taking up the slack there, as Deschanel is PISSED at him.

But then Beau takes her on a hot date crime scene examination on what's supposed to be the scaffolding surrounding the Washington Monument. And then they pull back to reveal an entirely digitally rendered Washington skyline, and it's seriously the worst CGI I've ever seen, and I saw A SOUND OF THUNDER. It BURNS. But Beau and Bones are talking again, so I guess bad CGI heals all wounds. Except the wounds in my EYES.

"When I Was A Sniper" update: WE GOT NOTHING. I think. Maybe it came up when Beau was on the stand? The jury liked him a lot, though. So I don't think they knew about all those people he killed.

We do, though. We know.


| permalink