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Thursday, December 15, 2005

Liz Tells Frank What Happened On This Week's BONES: Week 5

Dear Frank,

Merry Christmas! It feels a little early to be shouting out the big ol' MC, but hey, as Beau says, "nothing brings people together like a Christmas lung fungus."

See, it's December 23rd (we're watching the future, Frank! Isn't that exciting?) and Deschanel doesn't want to go to the Smithphonian Christmas party, which Hot Not Asian, all done up in an elf costume, keeps calling "the company Christmas party." Because the non-profit academic research organization is a corporation now? I don't know. Anyways, Beau pops in just then not to crash the party, but to drop off Bones's Christmas present -- a dead body for her to examine! Lesser Deschanel is, of course, thrilled, mainly because now she has an excuse not to go to the party. And, because Christmas apparently makes LD a Grinch Bitch, she makes the lab techs examine the body with her.

However, that crafty ParaNerd (he's kinda a conspiracy freak, see) brings some eggnog into the examination room, which he's drinking while Virgin Nerd cuts into bones containing Bad Stuff (I hated biology, okay?). The Bad Stuff gets into the air and, possibly, ParaNerd's lungs. Because ParaNerd inhales AND exhales, it's possible that everyone has been infected with the Bad Stuff -- so they're stuck in the lab for the next few days. Clear? Unclear? Who gives a crap. It's the Trapped In A Room episode! They're stuck there! They're not leaving! It might lead to secret revelations and uncomfortable conversations! Merry Christmas!

Not Happy Holidays, by the way, but Merry Christmas. There's no such thing as Judaism, atheism, or Islam on BONES. At least, among our delightful team of regular cast members. More on that in a moment.

(By the way, ParaNerd runs around shirtless after the decontamination shower, and thus he gets an upgrade to Hot ParaNerd. Virgin Nerd also appears shirtless. But his name remains the same. I'm fickle.)

While Lesser Deschanel scurries around trying to solve the murder that will help her not think about her Tragic Past, everyone else hangs out and talks about stuff. Families and loved ones are waved at through thick glass, back stories are exchanged, sleeping bags go unshared. In this mess, we learn the following things:

Beau: has a four-year-old son who he doesn't get to see too much, because the lady he knocked up was apparently so scarred by the experience of sleeping with Beau that she can't even appear on screen and get her SAG voucher. The kid is cute, but you know what's cuter? Beau's reaction to the anti-Bad Stuff drugs, which have him hallucinating and prancing for a solid fifteen minutes of the episode. He sees pretty lights on the ceiling. He leans in REAL CLOSE to Deschanel to tell her to consider "the man upstairs" and given that they're in the atrium at that point, I can only assume he means Jesus. Stoned Beau isn't as fun as Stoned Bones, but it's still a good time.

Hot Not Asian: is the secret love child of one of the members of ZZ Top. Repeat: She is the secret love child of either Mr. ZZ or Mr. Top. He comes by to visit her. He plays himself. I AM DEAD SERIOUS.

ParaNerd: Hot.

Virgin Nerd: Momma's boy.

Deep Bass Black Boss: one octave away from being the most boring man on the planet.

Bones: Kind of a bitch. Oh, also, her probably-dead parents were inconsiderate enough to get themselves missing right before Christmas. Thus, not her favorite holiday.

Lesser Deschanel spends most of the episode repeating Christmas deconstructionist facts that everyone already knows and bitching in general about organized religion. Beau points out that he believes in God, and Lesser Deschanel's all like "Say what?" (This is going to make planning the wedding awkward, I bet.) Meantime, everyone talks about their religious beliefs:

Beau: Catholic
Deep Bass Black Boss: Deacon at his church.
Hot Not Asian: Christmas/Easter Catholic
Virgin Nerd: Church of Momma's Boydom, Lutheran Division.
Hot ParaNerd: Religion is a global conspiracy, believes in God anyway.

This conversation takes place over Chinese food on Christmas Eve. But no one's Jewish!

Bones continues to try and solve crime, while the people whose parents didn't tragically disappear a few days before Christmas exchange Secret Santa gifts, made from supplies in the office:

Virgin Nerd ---> Beau: Awesome home-made voice-activated robot
Hot Not Asian ---> Virgin Nerd: Nice pastel sketch of his family
Hot ParaNerd ---> Hot Not Asian: Enlarged picture of germs at the cellular level
Deep Bass Black Boss ---> Hot ParaNerd: Small hand-sculpted scarab model
Beau ---> Deep Bass Black Boss: Origami

Apparently being a sniper makes you a crappy gift-giver. It's all those people you killed, I suppose. Perhaps their echoing cries of pain are too distracting.

Anyways, Bones solves crime all night and into Christmas morning, when everyone is declared Bad Stuff-free and ready to go. Beau invites Deschanel to come to the Chinese restaurant set for lunch (seriously, though, no one's Jewish), which means that the Lesser Deschanel gets to see how cute Beau is with his very cute son. She also sees the spirit of Christmas in action when Beau REGIFTS the awesome voice-activated robot Virgin Nerd built. Nice, Beau. Real nice.

But the kid digs it, and Lesser Deschanel goes back to the office, where she's apparently been storing the Christmas presents her Tragically Missing Parents had gotten her right before going Tragically Missing. You know, fifteen years ago. And yet she's still got these presents? Right at hand? Just in case she suddenly discovered the meaning of Christmas and needed to open them? Oh, fine. Whatever. It's actually kind of sweet, once you get past the mindboggling idiocy of it. She opens one of them, and apparently it's so unbelievably radical that were it actually to come within range of the camera lens, our poor fragile corneas would explode. So it's a good thing that we fade to black before that happens.

And that's the meaning of Christmas! I feel like we've learned a lot. Don't you?

Reruns for the next few weeks. Coming up next week is the episode where they go to the small mountain town where everyone wants to fuck the Lesser Deschanel. Imagine what would happen if Zooey showed up!

Or, imagine Beau, hallucinating and talking about Jesus.

Perhaps when he's on drugs, he thinks Jesus forgives him.


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