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Monday, February 06, 2006

Liz Tells Frank What Happened on BONES This Week: "The Woman in the Car"

Dear Frank,

Our goal for this week? Brevity! I hear it makes things more funny-good. Yes?

We get this week's Person-We-Know appearance over with right away -- teaser starts with daytime talk show host Jaime Ray Newman interviewing Lesser Deschanel about her Best-Selling Novel. Lesser Deschanel is at her mostly delightfully inhuman, and watching Jaime Ray Newman try to make talking happen is comedy gold. Beau comes in halfway through the interview to, I suppose, make faces at her -- just in time to hear Deschanel say that she doesn't want children. Afterwards, they talk about how she doesn't plan to have kids, which makes sense given her Tragic Past and Inability to Display Human Emotion, but seems to really bother Beau. Really, he should just suck it up. Better the two of them have that conversation early in the relationship, after all. And he already has a son via his SAG-shy ex.

I guess it's hard, though, to let go of a dream. Especially when that dream involves Lesser Deschanel's superior genealogy.

Anyway, this is actually thematically important, as the theme of this episode is Daddies And The Shit They'll Do To People Who Put Kids in Danger. A burned-out car with a dead mom and a missing child seat means that Bones and Beau are on the hunt for a kidnapped kid -- whose daddy happens to be testifying about faulty body armor manufactured by his company. Given that this armor lead to the deaths of 30 soldiers, the Justice department is totally cool with leaving an eight-year-old in the hands of a team of finger-lopping-off-and-sending-to-Beau-in-a-jewelry-box South African mechanic/mercenaries hiding out in an abandoned gas station from the 1970s. (Lesser Deschanel found a bit-off chunk of ear in the the mom's mouth, and apparently ear wax has some stories to tell. The things TV teaches me.) Beau's a daddy, though, and Beau's taken a lot of lives. Beau goes to get his gun. Those South African mechanic/mercenaries don't know what hits them. Well, actually, they probably do know what hits them, for the few seconds before knowlege is replaced by oblivion.

Everyone's happy! The kid doesn't lose any more fingers! But who was responsible for the kidnapping? The major dramatic events of the story? "We'll let the grand jury decide." Oh, BONES. You sure know from dramaturgy, all right.

At least the episode is over, and so we don't have to think anymore about an utterly pointless subplot featuring the supporting cast, except to note the following: Hot Not Asian got married in Fiji once (the way all us free spirits do). Virgin Nerd? Almost hot while talking about how many amps you need to electrocute a woman to death. Oh, and Deschanel knows people in South America, and if you're a State Department representative doing security checks on the Smithphonian staff, asking questions about those people is a good way to get your notes shredded.

I wonder if Deschanel's people in South America know Beau's people in South America. If Beau has any people left in South America.

Don't fuck with baby daddies, Frank. Especially the ones who used to be snipers.


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