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Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Liz Tells Frank What Happened On BONES This Week: "The Woman in the Garden"

Dear Frank,

I know, I know! You've been wondering, BONES? What's been happening? As far as you know, they could be doing anything. They could be finding the real killer of Abe Lincoln! They could be determining exactly what species of mammal Katie Holmes is gestating! They could be GOING TO THE MOON. And you wouldn't know any better, because I am a failure. Fear not, however! I'm now here! I have answers to questions! And the answer to that most important question, what did happen on BONES last week?

Well, not a whole helluva lot.

In the grand tradition of "that episode about hip-hop with all the black people in it" and "that episode about terrorism with all the Middle-Eastern people in it," we have "that episode about gangs with all the Latinos in it." Beau and Bones are investigating a body found in a trunk -- later revealed to have been initially interred in a local garden -- when someone drives by for a drive-by, allowing the driver of the car an opportunity to escape. But then they figure out that the driver of the car was one of those not-really-a-gang-member gang members who worked as a gardener for a high-falutin' senator...

Oh, whatever. I'm sorry, Frank, but the crime-solving is really boring this week. Trust me. You don't want to hear about it. Let me just summarize:

Gang members: Not all bad. Some of them just join gangs so that their sisters can get fake immigration papers and jobs as maids in the houses of senators.

Sisters of gang members: Prone to getting knocked up by sons of senators.

Sons of senators: Adorably clueless.

Senator house managers: Might accidentally kill a SOGM by pulling her off a ladder.

Gang members with young wife and baby son: Get deported after being caught with body of sister in trunk, but resolve to make a "better life" for family in home country, despite being forced back to land of crippling poverty and death squads.

Immigration law: Flawed.

Guatemalan Death Squads: Bad.

How do we know that? Well, that's why we've got ourselves a Lesser Deschanel -- to explain these things! Remember the pilot, when Hot Not Asian had to pick up Deschanel from the airport? Well, Deschanel was coming back from Guatemala, where at one point she'd been nabbed by her local native death squad and locked up for a few days without food, water, or hope. Girlfriend's got a little PTSD over this, which is why she gets really pissed off whenever Beau tries to intimidate the Guatemalans with threats of deportation, and kung-fus the hell out of one of those not-in-a-gang-to-help-his-sister gang members.

You'd think that the gang would just accept Lesser Deschanel's need for catharsis as a rationale for busting the ass of their leader and let it go, but no, they get all crotchety and put out a hit on her. Which leads to a delightful scene at the end of the episode: Beau finds the leader of the gang and goes all Angelus on his ass, threatening to do worse if anything happens to Lesser Deschanel. Gang Leader seems to get the message. And Beau doesn't even have to mention the fact that he was a sniper!

Just another day for our two solvers of crime. But one that brings them one step closer to each other's arms. So, a good one.

Excruciatingly boring. But good.


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