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Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Liz Tells Frank What Happened On BONES This Week: "The Man On The Fairway"

Dear Frank,

So I've been kvetching about the lack of sweet Beau/Bones sexual tension this season, potentially ad nauseum. But no more! This week, the folks at BONES HQ hear my prayers, and grant unto us an episode that not only allows our two heroes to be totally adorable with each other, but also gives unto us delicious jealousy, Frank! Jealousy! The path upon which all Will They/Won't They tensions find real fruition! It's enough to make a girl share her tragic past with strangers!

But I'm getting ahead of myself. See, the folks at the Smithphonian are tasked with the job of sorting out the bodies from a private plane crash at a golf course, which is a national security issue because some of the people on the plane were Communists (the Chinese kind). Lesser Deschanel is totally uninterested in this assignment, but Deep Bass Boss's testes (and thus, low manly voice) are under threat by the State department, and he orders her to make the case a priority.

However, Bones doesn't really care about the fact that I don't want to come up with a new nickname for Deep Bass Boss, because it's been three weeks since she hooked up solved crime with Beau, and she's starting to get that deep low itch but good. Thus, when she finds a couple of unidentified, hacked up bone fragments in the plane wreckage which clearly weren't burned up on re-entry, she decides to investigate that crime instead, asking her legion of nerds to cover for her while she brings the case to Beau. Beau isn't impressed with Bones's love offering, mainly because his incredible sniper vision sees easily through her lies, and he teases her about how much she misses him because THEY ARE ADORABLE. But, just as things are getting Adorable To the Max, this sad-eyed guy steps forward to say that the bones Bones found might have belonged to his Tragically Missing Father, for whom sad-eyed guy has been searching lo these many years.

Sad-eyed guy is hot and serious and clearly haunted by his Tragic Past. It's Dude-chanel! And Dude-chanel has, like, magic powers and shit, because he knows all about Deschanel's own missing parents, and tries to use them to manipulate her into helping him. She tells him: "I'm not interested in bonding over my Tragic Past." She then proceeds to bond with him over her Tragic Past.

Beau, sensing that Dude-chanel's got an unfair advantage on his girl, takes on the case of the missing dad in his usual investigatorial way, strutting around, asking insulting questions, and of course deciding that Dude-chanel is a suspect. None of this really matters, of course, because Bones figures out that the bones she found weren't Dude-chanel's father, which means that Dude-chanel is yet again without a clue as to what happened to his dad. She tells him this in a very sweet scene at the end of the episode, where they have approximately this conversation:

Dude-chanel: My Tragic Past. It consumes me.
Deschanel: I was trying to ignore mine, but that just made me a robot. So yeah, me too.
Dude-chanel: Look, I'm too busy with my Tragic Past to investigate yours, but what about that flirty FBI agent guy whose cheek you pinched after admitting that you missed him? He seems single.
Deschanel: Let's hug the sad hug of two people whose Tragic Pasts prevent hooking up.
Dude-chanel: T'was never meant to be.

I might have paraphrased a little.

So after hugging Dude-chanel, Bones meets up with Beau and asks him to read the file on her tragically missing parents, in case he can spot any clues. This is, I'm guessing, the equivalent of third base, if only because there's a picture of fifteen-year-old Bones in the file that Beau scopes out with the eyes of a man who knows that he's this damn close to getting lucky solving crime.

But who can tell the difference, in this crazy world of ours? When violent men and haunted women stand side-by-side in the red and blue carousel of crime scenes?

They have sexual tension, you know.


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