Liz Tells Frank What Happened on BONES

My friend Frank doesn't watch BONES. I do. So I tell him what happens. At least, the parts worth telling.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

The Girl In The Fridge

Dear Frank,

There's no new BONES tonight, which is part of why I haven't told you what happened last week. But really, it's simple enough. Lesser Deschanel's ex-professor, who is also her LOV-AH, comes to town to interview for a job doing kinda what she does, but for a different fake institution. They bone.


In the afterglow, Deschanel's all, oooh, look how much smarter I am than you and how quickly I've figured out about what happened to this dead girl found in a refrigerator. And Naughty Professor says, well, don't rush to conclusions and she says, dude, that's my job. She shows off her toys, and he's real impressed with the holodeck, but then he's like, dude, those people Beau just arrested for killing Deep Freeze Dudette? Well, their lawyer just hired me to testify against your findings, which I've gained tremendous understanding of due to your post-sex blabby-mouth.


So we get all LAW AND ORDER on this shit and go to court, which seems to be an excuse for EVERYONE to tell Deschanel that she's a robot and no one likes her, unlike hottie Naughty Professor, who plays well to juries, especially when he's makes fun of Deschanel for knowing big words and being a robot.

So Beau tells Hot Prosecutor Guy about Deschanel's Tragic Past, and Hot Prosecutor Guy brings it up on the stand, and being smacked in the face with her Tragic Past in a public setting gets Deschanel to reveal her soft chewy center to the jury. Everyone wins, except Deschanel's vagina (which will be empty of Naughty Professor from now on) and Beau's chance of taking up the slack there, as Deschanel is PISSED at him.

But then Beau takes her on a hot date crime scene examination on what's supposed to be the scaffolding surrounding the Washington Monument. And then they pull back to reveal an entirely digitally rendered Washington skyline, and it's seriously the worst CGI I've ever seen, and I saw A SOUND OF THUNDER. It BURNS. But Beau and Bones are talking again, so I guess bad CGI heals all wounds. Except the wounds in my EYES.

"When I Was A Sniper" update: WE GOT NOTHING. I think. Maybe it came up when Beau was on the stand? The jury liked him a lot, though. So I don't think they knew about all those people he killed.

We do, though. We know.


Tuesday, November 22, 2005

A Man On Death Row

Dear Frank,

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope yours was better than Deschanel and Beau's! They did a bad job of solving crime this time.

I mean, I'm writing this a few days after seeing it, and this isn't exactly a show that lingers in the brain. But lemme see what I can remember...

Oh, yeah! Deschanel wants a gun, so she can shoot people in case Beau's dead or incapacitated. Not that she WANTS that to happen. But she sure does want that gun. But when she shot that guy in the pilot, Beau had to charge her with a felony for shooting an unarmed man, and apparently being charged with a felony means you don't get a gun. Just another cute story for them to tell their grandchildren!

And then a Hot Lawyer Lady (maybe I should stop referring to the characters as Hot or Not, given that they all seem to be some varying degree of Hot) shows up, because a South-Talking Such-A-Nice-Boy-Who-Would-Have-Thought who Beau put in the slammer is about to get his ass lethal-injectioned in forty-eight hours.

Being as he is one of those conscienceable ex-snipers, Beau goes to see the South-Talking Such-A-Nice-Boy (workin' his Edward Norton quite nicely, thank you), who claims innocence from killing a pretty blonde thing all those years ago. SANB even jumps us to this week's "When I Was a Sniper" update BEFORE THE END OF THE TEASER: "I mean, when you were a sniper, how many people did you kill?" I swear to God.

So Beau's like, hey, nerds, you aren't doing anything this weekend, right? Because we have 38 hours to find the identity of an unexplained pubic hair on the victim's seven-years-cold underwear. Lesser Deschanel, who, in case you've forgotten, HAS NO LIFE, of course is happy to stick around, but Hot Not Asian's got sex plans and doesn't want to cancel them. So her solution is to bring Random Sex-Doing Boy to the lab and make him sit in a corner while she "takes care of a few things." But Random Sex-Doing Boy gets creeped out by the dead bodies and runs away, calling them all freaks.

You know what this show is? Subtle.

Blah blah blah investigation. There's a judge who keeps getting woken up in the middle of the night to sign various exhumation orders, and he won't close his bathrobe when Deschanel asks. He's genuinely entertaining. And Hot Lady Lawyer is kinda dumb, but she sure does ask Deschanel if she and Beau are doing it! Deschanel: "No, no, we just work together." HLL: "Are you sure? Because I sensed some SEXUAL TENSION..."

Did I mention the subtle?

They figure out where the murder weapon might have been left (they find pollen in the skull wound? I don't know) and when they get there the future technology indicates that there are more bodies. Deschanel starts digging, but Beau hesitates -- apparently, he decided that a sleepless weekend of evidence-hunting was a good time to whip out the $2000 suit. (I can't figure out if this is an adorable reference to ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT or pissing on its grave.) But Deschanel yells at him and he gets a shovel. And she has to teach him how to dig properly. Shout-out for the Eros Battalion? Well, probably not.

Anyways, they find some more dead girls and figure out that the Such-A-Nice-Boy was in fact a serial killer who figured that if the other girls he killed were discovered, then the execution couldn't go forward as planned and he'd have to be retried. Boy, is Hot Lady Lawyer's face red! Before Lesser Deschanel and Beau leave, though, Deschanel breaks his wrist. So I guess the fact that he's a crazed serial killer who successfully manipulated the system is okay, then.

The important thing is that Deschanel agrees that maybe she shouldn't have a gun, and Beau says she can use his!

Sounds like foreplay to me.

They have sexual tension, you know.


Tuesday, November 15, 2005

The Man In The Wall

Dear Frank,

This week's episode of BONES was kinda boring -- apparently, the "urban music culture" is prone to some amount of violence. But the teaser! Let me tell you what happens in the teaser! Because first Lesser Deschanel wants to stay in and work, but Hot Not Asian decides they should go out and party, so she drags Lesser Deschanel to a hip-hop club. Once there, they try to get their groove on, but Lesser Deschanel starts analyzing the tribal roots of the music, and one girl gets all up in her face about being called "tribal", and another girl defends Lesser Deschanel's use of Descartes' philosophy of primal disconnect as an explanation for why she enjoys the music on a primitive level, and hair-pulling ensues! But when some guy grabs Deschanel, she kicks him THROUGH A WALL, and on the other side of the wall is a dead guy all mummified! And a bag full of crystal meth, which explodes all over the dance floor -- and our hot lady scientists!

So when Beau shows up, Deschanel is totally high on meth and bouncing around and super-excited about the mummified guy in the wall. And she kicks more dudes who want to tamper with the crime scene! Then she fondles the mummy a bit. Credits.

Best teaser ever.

Rest of the episode was kind of dull. Mystery mystery blah blah. Many many black people in this hip-hop episode -- much like how there were lots of Middle-Eastern folk in that terrorism episode awhile back. But there's totally drama between Beau and his blonde lawyer girlfriend, as they're planning on going on vacation, but then blonde lawyer girlfriend gets cold feet and bails on the trip! And Beau sits in the Chinese restaurant and feels lonely, and totally flirts with Deschanel! He nearly asks her to go on vacation with him! Awesome.

"When I Was A Sniper..." Update: When they're analyzing a belly button ring that got ripped out of a girl's belly button, Bones gets all squeamish over it. But it's okay! Because Beau tells her "Hey, when I was a sniper, I saw a lot of stuff, and even that makes me squeamish." And then Deschanel thanks him! And he makes it all better.

He makes it all better.


Tuesday, November 08, 2005

A Boy In A Bush

Dear Frank,

How are you? I am good! Bones? Still not good.

So this week, they find a dead little boy, and he was probably sexually molested, and they're looking for how he died, and it is SAD. It is VERY VERY SAD. This is what the TV tells me, see, because this is the first time that a small child has died on network TV (you know, something that never happens EVERY WEEK on one of the Law & Orders).

I'm beginning to suspect that crime dramas might make the average viewer slightly jaded. Just a theory, at this point.

But apparently no one on this show watches crime dramas, because everyone's real sad about it, and Hot Not Asian considers quitting the Smithphonian Institute (see what I did there?), because she's an artist, man, a free spirit, a good-time girl (I think this means she's a whore) and apparently being around dead bodies isn't the thing for artists/free spirits/good-time girls/whores. But then Hot Black Boss Guy tells Hot Not Asian, essentially, that "death is her gift." This is apparently a subject that only black people know about.

In the realm of comedy hijinks, the teaser reminds the audience that not only does Lesser Deschanel fight crime, she writes fanfic about her crime-fighting which rocks the bestsellers list. This subplot continues to be tacked on, exposition-heavy, and utterly hilarious. Soon, soon, they will mention that in the fanfic, the handsome, dashing FBI agent totally has hot hot sex with the stick-up-her-ass anthropologist who writes bestselling novels but knows nothing about pop culture. I can't wait!

At the end of the episode, Lesser Deschanel wears a pretty dress! And Beau tells her that she's pretty! Wheeee!

"When I Was a Sniper..." update: No real updates on all those people that Beau killed. (His friends call him Beau, you know.) But he does show off a wicked scar that he "claims" he got when he and his little brother were "playing soldier."

I think you and I know differently, though. We know better than to trust his lies.

Even if they are meant to shield us from the too-painful truth.

He killed a lot of people, you know.